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Howdy DSSers –

How’s 2014 shaping up for you? Not so good for DS, at least in the new articles department. Apparently they just lost Global Post as a provider, so the thin article pools are about to get even thinner.

Richard is currently out enjoying a bit of success away from DSS and we can only wish him the best of luck. Perhaps he’ll grace us with a guest post one day.

Got this letter in the DSS mailbox. Was too good not to publish.

Dear Demand Media Shareholders,

Remember that Super-Duper, Super-Secret algorithm we used to entice you to buy hundreds of millions of dollars worth of stock because it was our Golden Goose? You know, the algorithm that would generate article titles that would make our pages rank high in Google search results and generate hundreds of millions of dollars for the company and raise your stock value?

Just kidding.

We fired the guy who created that algorithm recently because his brainchild evidently wasn’t that great. I think it happened right after our founder left the company and ran for the hills. Think we’re kidding? One of our legacy execs (who is still hanging on to his job despite helping steer us down the toilet), Richard Lally, recently asked Demand’s part-time writers to suggest article titles they wanted to write — not that the public wanted to read, mind you, THAT THE WRITERS WANTED TO WRITE. So now, that’s what many of them are writing – titles they dreamed up while taking a break from watching “Ellen.”

It gets better, though. We’re currently conducting a “Census Survey” of our desperately-short-of-income profishinul riterz to find out how they can socialize our content. For you laypeople, that means how they can pimp their articles to their friends and family. Yep, that algorithm thing didn’t work out so well and Eve and Richard and Claire and Jordan and Joe and Tim can’t get people to find our articles, so now we’re asking our stay-at-home-moms and out-of-work newspaper editors not only to write articles for us, but to find the readers for them, too. But, it should work out because we’re taking a survey! That’s right – we really don’t know how the Internet content game works, so we’re asking our unemployable freelancers to help us. This should do the trick. 

By the way, if any of you shareholders have a paddle or fire extinguisher or parachute you can lend us, we’d really appreciate it. In the meantime, Jordan Decker and company are working hard to try and figure out this Content Farm business! Please allow the people who have managed the editorial process these past six years to continue to helm the operation. We don’t need new leadership – honest!

P.S. See comments!

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